I sat down to write a follow-up to
my first post when I felt convicted to fast from Pinterest and Netflix for a
month. But there are other things pressing on my heart, so that will have to
take a backseat for now.
This past week has been hard. I am
realizing some things about myself that I knew in the back of my mind, but
wasn’t ready to admit. I hope that by dictating these things, I can process
them, and begin to ask God for direction.
To make this concise, I will list them:
1.
I don’t do well with free time
2.
I don’t do well alone (see number one)
3.
I am incredibly insecure (see numbers one and
two)
An explanation:
The thought
of a large, unplanned block of time makes me nervous. I find myself planning a
week ahead of time in my mind. If I do not have something to do one day, I
panic and try to lock in plans. This is partially because I really do get
restless doing nothing, and partially because I am intimidated at the idea of
time to think.
I don’t like being alone with myself. A
running joke in my family is that I don’t even pee alone. This has always been
a part of my personality, but the reason for it has shifted. It used to be that
I was an extreme “people person.” While I still love being around people, I think
I have made it into a defense mechanism. If I am not alone, I don’t have to
process emotions or reflect on my actions.
This past week, I have had a terrifying amount of free time. I have
had time to reflect on the way I have buried my identity in Christ under dozens
of other identities. With three months of free time looming ahead, this summer
is an opportunity to let go of them. As they fade into the background, the
insecurity will fade with them. I don’t want to settle for being content with part
of my identity being that of a believer, I want it to consume me, spilling into
every aspect of my life.
“For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully
and wonderfully made.” -Psalm 139: 13,14
The creator
of the universe and everything in it crafted me specifically. Shouldn’t that be enough? What else
could come even close to giving me that kind of security? I hope that three
months from now, I will be able to embrace the times I have alone, not dread
them. I hope that I can start living day-to-day, resting in my identity as a
follower of the living God.
