A Little Introspection

I sat down to write a follow-up to my first post when I felt convicted to fast from Pinterest and Netflix for a month. But there are other things pressing on my heart, so that will have to take a backseat for now.

This past week has been hard. I am realizing some things about myself that I knew in the back of my mind, but wasn’t ready to admit. I hope that by dictating these things, I can process them, and begin to ask God for direction.

To make this concise, I will list them:

1.     I don’t do well with free time

2.     I don’t do well alone (see number one)

3.     I am incredibly insecure (see numbers one and two)

An explanation:

            The thought of a large, unplanned block of time makes me nervous. I find myself planning a week ahead of time in my mind. If I do not have something to do one day, I panic and try to lock in plans. This is partially because I really do get restless doing nothing, and partially because I am intimidated at the idea of time to think. 

            I don’t like being alone with myself. A running joke in my family is that I don’t even pee alone. This has always been a part of my personality, but the reason for it has shifted. It used to be that I was an extreme “people person.” While I still love being around people, I think I have made it into a defense mechanism. If I am not alone, I don’t have to process emotions or reflect on my actions.

This past week, I have had a terrifying amount of free time. I have had time to reflect on the way I have buried my identity in Christ under dozens of other identities. With three months of free time looming ahead, this summer is an opportunity to let go of them. As they fade into the background, the insecurity will fade with them. I don’t want to settle for being content with part of my identity being that of a believer, I want it to consume me, spilling into every aspect of my life.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” -Psalm 139: 13,14

            The creator of the universe and everything in it crafted me specifically. Shouldn’t that be enough? What else could come even close to giving me that kind of security? I hope that three months from now, I will be able to embrace the times I have alone, not dread them. I hope that I can start living day-to-day, resting in my identity as a follower of the living God.